They CAME from the Ramen!
by Evance
Summary: A harrowing tale of horror and adventure! All of Konoha trembles before the answer to the question: “Can Naruto cook?”


Ramen.

The hot steaming cup of instant noodles fit perfectly in Naruto's cupped hands. Proudly holding his precious meal up into the light, he swirled the delicious brew. It was beautiful. The natural symbiotic paradise that was the three minute instant ramen noodles was the work of genius sanctified by the heavens. Naruto twirled in the rays of the sun. The perfect light cast a myriad of hues and scattering colors between the Naruto induced waves in his favorite food.

Ramen.

Naruto delightfully pulled out a pair of chopsticks. Their comforting weight in his hand soothed the aches and pains. In his mind, the recent mission to Wave Country and its emotional rollercoaster of heartache were forgotten. As he slurped a few noodles at a time, Naruto let out a few moans of serene pleasure. It was good. He slipped a few more noodles at a time letting it slide down the back of his throat. Oh yes. He slowly drank the brew tasting each delicious morsel. Oh yes. He raised the cup and downed every last drop letting his tongue give a once over to the cup's interior. OH YES! Fully spent, Naruto laid the empty cup on a tuft of grass in front of him. Finally with sanguine satisfaction, Naruto let himself fall to the prairie on the outskirts of Konoha and sighed in relief.

Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi stood silent watching with wide open eyes Naruto practically making sweet love to his ramen bowl. Beads of sweat coalesced into one large drop of sweat and comically slid down the back of their heads. Simultaneously turning to each other, they all agreed now may be a good time to discuss with Naruto about his problem.

"Naruto," Sakura began as she walked over the reclined boy. "I… we all need to have a talk with you."

"Zzzzzz."

Sakura stomped on Naruto's face with her heel.

"WAKE UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT!"

Naruto was wide awake clutching his nose in pain.

"But Sakura, I just ate and it's my time to rest. I always do this."

Kakashi cut in.

"You always eat ramen. All the time."

Naruto yawned already forgetting Sakura's wrath.

"And? Ramen's good." Naruto sighed as more thoughts of ramen danced in his head.

"Naruto," Kakashi lectured. "You cannot keep eating the same food. It's not healthy for you."

"You definitely need to eat more greens, shorty." Sasuke said leaning over Naruto's reclining form.

"Oh, so I can grow up to be just like you?" Naruto shot back. He shifted his hands to cushion the back of his head and closed his eyes to ignore the world around him. Maybe if he wished hard enough they would go away.

"It's not like that's the only thing I eat. I cook for myself."

Sakura began to snicker lightly.

"Hey, what are you laughing at?" Naruto said and sat up from his perch.

Sakura's snickers turned into full out laughter and gasping giggles.

"You cook? C'mon, Naruto you couldn't cook your way in a kitchen with a toaster and a pop tart!"

Naruto was suddenly on his feet. His face was liven with anger and his body shaking with rage. He could cook!

"I can cook!"

"Pouring hot water into instant noodles does not count, Naruto!"

Naruto was caught between a rock and a hard place. On one side, Sakura was insulting the delicious goodness that was ramen. On the other side, she was Sakura.

"I'll prove it to you! The future Hokage of Kohona will show you that he can kick ass and kick ass cooking! Believe it!"

"Believe it? It's hard to believe in something that doesn't exist!" Sakura was now up in Naruto's face.

Kakashi cut in between Sakura and Naruto pulling them apart at arms length.

"How about a compromise," Kakashi stated. "Naruto you prove you can cook and we'll all have dinner tonight at your place… so we can believe it. Sound good, hmm?"

A spark of metaphorical electricity shot between Naruto and Sakura's foreheads.

"Ha!" Naruto shouted. "Well you're on! I'll show you!"

Naruto leapt onto a grassy knoll.

"I'LL SHOW EVERYONE!"

His voiced echoed in Konoha's forests, traveled into the city, and flew to the world beyond. It seemed as if nature answered. Several dark clouds, the signs of an oncoming thunderstorm on the horizon, crackled with built up electricity. Naruto smiled grinning maniacally with his exaggerated canines.

He will show Sakura what true ramen really tasted like!

Somewhere hidden deep in secret and guarded places, Orochimaru felt a chill crawl down his spine.

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**They _CAME_ from the Ramen!**

A OneShot by Evance

Disclaimer: Naruto is created by Masashi Kishimoto. Studio Pierrot and Aniplex handles the anime series. Viz translates the manga and anime for western audiences. In no way am I involved with any of this.

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**BOOM!**

Lightning crackled between the heavy sheets of rain of the evening thunderstorm. Its loud thunderous shockwave rocked Konoha. Rain came down like the darkening hail of a hundred billion kunai. Water built up on streets, streamed off roof ledges, and turned dirt into ankle deep mud. Even as evening passed, the storm continued unabated and unchallenged. Another chaotic twirl of lightning cut through the sky.

**BOOM!**

Deep within the confines of his crappy dwelling, Naruto plotted and prepared. The lights of his apartment had long since blown from a direct lightning hit. The flickering of candles seemed to dance to the beat of the rain hitting the roof. Naruto picked up a utensil and prepared to cook. On his table, a myriad of dangerous looking ingredients lay in piles. Several were bubbling in large test tubes and others looked as if they were pickled in a vat of green goo. Behind him lightning flashed through the window again and rocked the small apartment. Naruto carefully prepared a giant vat of boiling stew. He drew several unmarked ingredients and tossed it into the vat. A giant cloud of purple ash erupted and resettled back into the large pot. Naruto grabbed an oversized spoon and began stirring the deep purple, bubbling brew. This would be the best ramen, ever.

Another bout of lightning and thunder was interspersed between heavy knocks on the door. Sakura and Sasuke were here. Kakashi was probably going to show up late, as usual. Naruto opened the door with a look of insanity.

"Won't you come in, Sakura," Naruto said twiddling his fingers between ominous chuckles. Lighting flashed again and highlighted Naruto's enlarged canines.

Sakura felt her heart leap from her throat. Her mind cycled between fight or flight response. Sakura responded instinctively by punching Naruto in the face.

"Stop it, Naruto!"

"OW!" Naruto caressed his swollen cheek. "Okay, okay! C'mon in."

As Naruto's teammates entered, Sakura blanched at the giant pot of something steaming on his kitchen. With one large swipe of his arms, Naruto cleared off ramen cups and expired milk from the table. Gently presenting their seats, Naruto turned to serve his guests some of his delicious ramen.

A giant crack of lighting tore through a nearby roof sending sparks flying into the air. _Just calm down,_ Sakura thought_. It will all be over soon_. All she had to do was try a sip of his ramen, denounce his ability to cook, and then go home satisfied. That was all she had to do.

Naruto placed two heavy set ramen bowls with a loud ceramic clang onto his table in front of Sakura and Sasuke. The bowls were filled with what looked like poison. In Sasuka's bowl, the liquid seemed to form a human skull that screamed in agony. The Uchiha tried to ignore it. Sasuke broke his chopsticks in half and picked up a pile of noodles. They were deep red and green. Naruto poured himself his own bowl and sat down to enjoy his own meal. The blonde genin took a giant swig of his bowl and sat back with a loud sigh of content.

"Well, eat up while it's good and hot!" Naruto exclaimed optimistically with a grin you could not deny.

Sasuke and Sakura looked at Naruto, glanced at each other, and began to slowly eat their ramen. Before placing the concoction in their mouths, they both carefully checked of any strange poisons or toxins and found none. That was so far so good. Taking a small piece of the ramen, they placed it gently on their tongues, tasted and swallowed. Actually, they both deduced at the same time, the ramen was alright. Sasuke and Sakura began taking enormous gulps of their ramen. It was pretty good. Sasuke and Sakura both picked up their bowls and downed the entire thing ignoring the rivers of the stuff spilling from the sides of the mouths. It was delicious. The best thing ever tasted.

"More," they said in unison; madness etched onto their faces. "Must have more ramen!"

They rushed the giant vat of ramen tumbling into each other. Entangled on the floor, the desperate genins began struggling. Their struggling turned to anger before the crazed Sasuke and Sakura began brawling with each other.

"THE RAMEN'S MINE YOU SHIT!" Sakura yelled as she introduced Sasuke's face to her knee.

Sasuke responded by picking up the entire vat and braining Sakura in the back of the head. Sakura dropped like a cement block. She twitched on the floor as the gouge on the side of her head spilt blood.

"I SAW IT FIRST YOU PINKED HAIRED BITCH!" Sasuke screamed his victory and prepared to down the entire vat with one gulp.

**CRACK!**

Naruto broke his chair over Sasuke's head with a room shaking explosion showering the floor in splinters and Sasuke's unconscious body. With quick reflexes, Naruto caught the large vat of ramen and placed it back on the counter. He stirred the vat and made sure the ramen had not been harmed.

"Don't hit Sakura like that!" Naruto huffed.

"What is wrong with the both you?"

Sasuke and Sakura answered by bleeding a little on the floor. The door swung open again and Kakashi stepped in from the down pour surprisingly dry. The jounin lazily walked into the room and casually noticed Sasuke and Sakura unconscious on the floor with Naruto holding half a broken chair in one hand and stirring a pot with a ladle in the other hand.

"What is going on here?"

Naruto laughed slightly tossing the broken chair away like a red hot kunai.

"Well, you see they… uh… love my ramen so much they beat themselves up over it?" Naruto said in slight confusion. "And I hit Sasuke to stop him from hurting Sakura!"

Kakashi stared for a long while.

"Really?" He said a matter-of-factly.

"I'll go get them to the hospital," Naruto picked up his teammates and began walking out the door.

"You can have some ramen if you want!" Naruto said as left.

Kakashi turned and opened up the vat of ramen that seemed to have been used as a bludgeon. He slowly peeked open the lid and jumped backwards as the brew roared in response. Carefully stirring the vile concoction, he tested the brew with jounin-level senses. He could sense no poisons or other foul ingredients. It seemed to be ramen.

"Well, I guess I could try just a little bit."

Lighting crackled and rocked the house again.

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Naruto trudged back to his home through the thick mud. The storm was beginning to wane. The downpour became a light sprinkle. A soft breeze whirred through alleys of Konoha as if to soothe the village's aches. Naruto entered the room with a shrill squeak from his old, barely maintained door. Soft candle light greeted him as he returned home.

"Hey Kakashi you still here?" Naruto asked in the eerie darkness of his crappy dwelling.

"Kakashi?"

No answer.

Naruto slowly tip toed around his apartment unnerved by how spooky his house seemed at night. He entered the bedroom and stuck his head in looking left and right as if he was crossing a busy street. Guess he was not here.

"Naruto." Something asked behind him

"AAAAA!" Naruto screamed and spun around coming face to face with the shadowed form of Kakashi. The usually lazy jounin had a strange look of insanity on his face. His entire body was slumping forward as if he was ready to collapse from exhaustion.

"Naruto… make more ramen." Kakashi stepped into the candle light. His single visible eye seemed glossy and pale.

"Awe, but I don't have the ingredients or money to make more ramen."

Kakashi cocked his head unnerving Naruto as a flare of enraged anger crossed his face.

"Ramen, now."

"But you- OW!" A bag of money smacked into Naruto's eye and bounced onto the floor. Rubbing off the pain, he bent over and picked up the sack. Naruto carefully counted the notes and assorted coins.

"But this is way too much money just for ramen…" Naruto slowly drifted off. In his brain something revolutionary happened. Two neurons flared sending information across an interwoven network of nerves. Like a match on a barrel of gasoline, the web became a sparkling array of biological fireworks. And from that pretty spectacle, Naruto achieved what others would have thought impossible. He thought. That thought formed a plan.

Somewhere hidden deep in secret and guarded places, Orochimaru felt a chill crawl down his spine.

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Two days later, an eerie quiet had settle amongst Konoha. Patrolling ANBU flitted through empty streets with passing tumbleweeds. Old newspapers fluttered through the streets. For a usually busy village, the ANBU were a little unnerved. Their ANBU leader a few blocks down waved his team over to him.

"I think we might have a problem at Naruto's house." He said as his team materialized in front of him.

"Naruto again? I thought the kid laid off on the pranks after he graduated?"

"This isn't a prank… I think we all need to come look at this."

The ANBU together nodded and leapt off following their leader. As they vaulted over rooftops, they came to a dead stop on a roof overlooking Naruto's apartment. The normally crappy dwelling was still a crappy dwelling. Except now it had huge throngs of people lined up outside of Naruto's doorway. An enormous line moved slowly and surely as Naruto greeted each one through a cracked open door and then presented them with a bowl of something.

"Well this is strange," the leader said in a drawl.

The ANBU watched taking in any strange signs. The whole line of people seemed vacant and empty. Naruto cracked the door open again as Sasuke stepped into the front of the line. The young Uchiha was completely pale and shivering with uncontrollable trembles.

"Sasuke," Naruto started angrily. "What have I told you about coming back here?"

"Naruto, I just need a little more ramen, man. Please, just do a friend a favor?"

"Pay up for the last five bowls first if you want more!"

"C'mon N-naruto," Sasuke stuttered as a chill ran through his body. "I just need a l-little more, man… I'll pay you back next week, I-I promise. Just need enough to last the w-weekend.

Naruto frowned and shot back inside his building before presenting Sasuke with a bowl of ramen. Slamming the door in a fit of rage, Naruto stomped back into his room. Another knock on the door set off his building anger.

"SASUKE, STOP…" Naruto trailed off as he realized he was looking at a trio of ANBU standing in front of him.

"Hey what's with the get up?" Naruto asked. The ANBU had donned biological hazard suits. The bright yellow and clumsy looking suits came equipped with inbuilt gas masks. It looked completely ridiculous when worn by the masked, dark cloaked ninjas.

" Just stopping by to say hello," The leader said his voice muffled as the gas mask exaggerated each breathe. "We'll buy a vat of your… ramen. Hokage's orders."

"Really? Well, okay, I guess if the old man said so."

Naruto lead the ANBU inside in his little abode. The once homely apartment was now staged like a mad scientists' lair. Huge vats of bubbling ingredients combined with strange beeping computers and the poor lighting all served to unnerve the ANBU. The ANBU leader paid for the vat which Naruto added to an enormous pile of money. Another ANBU grasped the giant vat of Naruto's ramen in giant metal prongs and left.

"Hmm, that was weird," Naruto noted dryly from his doorway as the ANBU disappeared into the distance.

The enormous line of Konoha villagers in front of Naruto's crappy dwelling moved forward one step.

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"So this is it," Morino Ibuki said as he held up a small sample of the confiscated ramen.

"This is what has entranced so many people."

The ANBU who had confiscated the ramen nodded in agreement. He turned to an unmasked ANBU sitting on a table. A bowl of Naruto's ramen placed in front of him. Several other ANBU watched the man carefully as he prepared to eat his food.

"Our specialists with poisons is working with it right now," the ANBU informed Ibuki. "He lost his sense of smell and taste to a fire jutsu gone wrong. But he's made up for it by being able to channel chakra and identify whatever elements make up a substance. Doesn't match taste, but he can tell exactly what's in something."

Ibuki and the assembled ANBU scrutinized the poison specialist. The man carefully took a teaspoon and sipped it. He swirled it around in his mouth and picked apart the ramen with his talents.

"Normal stuff for ramen," he announced. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Wait... Wait…"

The other ANBU stiffened prepared for anything. Some reached for hidden weapons just in case something unpredictable happened.

"I can taste it."

"So? Didn't we hire you for this purpose?" the ANBU leader questioned.

"No, I have no sense of taste. Yet I can taste it." The assembled ANBU began talking amongst themselves in hushed whispers.

"Whatever this ramen is… it is a perfect mixture of common ingredients that combine to form a substance capable of affecting the mind. Specifically the portions of the brain that control senses."

The specialist took another sip marveling at being able to taste something.

"I do not have a sense of taste, yet I feel as if this is pretty good ramen… if a normal person ate it-"

"They would not be able to resist." the ANBU leader finished. Their minds suddenly turned to the throngs of civilians already. If this epidemic of ramen goodness continued to spread, the whole village of Konoha could be overwhelmed by ramen addicted crazies in mere days.

The door to the room suddenly swung open startling the assembled ANBU. Anko Mitarashi waltzed into the room angrily holding a half eaten bowl of ramen. She dropped the bowl on the floor and crushed it beneath her foot.

"I come home after a hard week long mission… and you know what I find? My village completely addicted to the Legendary Ramen of Exquisite Tastiness!"

"The Legendary Ramen?"

"Yes," Anko continued. "The Legendary Ramen is a concoction so deadly, Orochimaru himself chose not to pursue it. For even he felt he could not avoid its delicious enticement."

The gathered ANBU gasped in horror.

"We need to gather all of Konoha's best!" One ANBU yelled.

"Let's go gather the jounins and destroy what ever ramen we find!"

Anko took the sample eaten by the poison specialist and crushed it on the ground.

"Where'd you get this stuff by the way," Anko asked.

"We bought it from Naruto," The ANBU leader informed Anko. "Don't worry we'll confiscate the rest of the brew and destroy it…"

The ANBU leader paused before continuing. His voice shook in pure terror.

"Dear god, we left the vat we confiscated in the jounin break room!"

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The ANBU with Anko in the lead raced across the rooftops to their goal, the fabled jounin break room. Anko crashed dramatically through one of the break room's windows. As she landed in a crouch, a shower of glass shards rained over her back. Anko had entered the room.

The break room had been completely trashed. Couches and other furniture had been thrown on walls or flipped over. Grime and dirt covered every centimeter of the room. The lights overhead flickered and shut off. The wooden floors creaked and moaned with every step Anko and the ANBU took.

"Well this is sorta cliché horror now isn't it?" Anko said as she rubbed her chin.

One ANBU came across the main entrance. It had been barred closed, hidden behind heavy furniture, and welded shut with steel plates. Several large signs in blood red crying "Don't Open" had been haphazardly placed all over the walls. Light, muffled taps and hushed breathes echoed from the other side. _This is peculiar_, the ANBU thought.

"Hmm… I wonder what is behind this heavily blockaded door?" The ANBU asked as he began removing the furniture and metal plating.

"Wait!" Anko yelled as time slowed down.

"NOOOOOO!"

The entrance exploded as a mob of possessed jounin ran into the room.

"RAMEN!" They cried in unison.

The ANBU that had unbarred the door was overtaken by the group of the jounin. Their strong hands easily ripped the man apart in a grotesque display of exaggerated blood and guts. Limbs popped off like the arms of a crab. Strings of intestines spilled out like candy from a piñata scattering about the break room human chunky sweetness. His head was twisted off, and an enormous geyser of blood shoot sky high from the decapitated body with the pressure of a fire hose. Finally, the ANBU died. The jounin searched through his remains finding no ramen whatsoever.

"RAMEN!" They cried again and charged everyone else in the room.

The rest of the ANBU began a furious albeit futile battle against the crowd of ramen junkies. Despite their mindless rushes, the jounin still had their jounin level strength.

"There's too many of them." Anko commented obviously as she punched a possessed Kurenai in the face.

"Maybe we should pull back!" Another ANBU retorted as his teammate was ripped apart and beaten to death with his own skull.

"We'll meet up with the Hokage on top of the monument and get any other survivors up there!"

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Thirty minutes later atop the Hokage's Monument, the only survivors were the Hokaga himself, Anko, Naruto, Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji, and various other nondescript ANBU/ cannon fodder. Konoha beneath them had no power and no signs of regular village life. People muddled about the city aimlessly like corpses reanimated. They sometimes cried for ramen and then continued shuffling onwards in their forever unsuccessful search for the good stuff. Small fires had been burning throughout the city and given time would become a massive conflagration.

"Well look at it this way, Naruto." Ino said.

"Maybe when you become Kage, you can be Kage of the Hidden Village of the Ash. An Ashkage, if you will."

Naruto stood in a corner pouting.

"It's not my fault!"

"For godsakes, it is!" Ino was screaming into Naruto's face. "The whole village is screwed, dead, kaput, raped of its liveliness! You killed it! You, Naruto Uzumaki, strangled it to death with your self cooked ramen recipe."

"B-but I d-didn't mean too!" He stuttered out guiltily.

"AHA!" Anko cried and snapped her fingers.

"I know how we can fix this!"

Naruto was suddenly vibrant again. He smiled gratefully awaiting her explanation.

"How can we fix it?"

"Dango," Anko answered. The Hokage cocked an eyebrow.

"The Legendary Dango," the Hokage interjected. "Manda's recipe. Specifically something that Orochimaru would have known, am I right? It has been said to be able to cure any poison."

"Exactly!" Anko agreed and continued. "I memorized this jutsu Orochimaru taught me once. I thought it was just a stupid cooking recipe but I now know better."

"I will need to make the dango with some of the ingredients of the ramen. We can then mix the Legendary Dango with the Legendary Ramen. Since dango is inherently superior to ramen, it should be able to break their addiction."

"But," Naruto said. "What if you're wrong? What if dango is not inherently superior to the glorious food that is ramen?"

"Pfft, yeah right! Dango is like twenty times better than ramen! We'll have nothing to worry about."

"Is not!" Naruto shouted back.

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

"Naruto!" The Hokage shouted. "If she is right, then we can cure our village. It is worth a shot."

"But that means we'll be forcing people to eat dango!" Naruto whined.

"Yes… a fate worse than death, but as a Hokage I must often make these hard decisions. May all of Konoha forgive me for what must be done…"

The Hokage turned to Anko who looked split between yelling at the Hokage for insulting dango or yelling at Naruto for insulting dango.

"Anko, you must go with Naruto and prepare the Legendary Dango to mix with the Legendary Ramen."

The two ninja nodded and leapt down to the slowly burning village below and headed to Naruto's crappy dwelling.

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Naruto's room had been abandoned for only a day, but its interior now looked like something out of a haunted house rented by mad scientists. The proud ramen operation Naruto once employed was now in ruins. The large pieces of chemical apparatuses had shattered on the floor. Computer monitors no longer beeped with any sense of satisfaction. But in one far corner of the room, one lone vat of ramen stood safe, sealed, and still tasty.

Anko and Naruto burst through the door being chased by half the village. The villagers cried like banshees as they flailed their arms and rushed Naruto's crappy dwelling. Anko and Naruto quickly barred the door with conveniently place metal platings and Naruto's furniture. The addicts slammed into the barricade jarring open the door slightly but failing to enter. They raged and roared as they tried to desperately enter.

"Alright, I need some time to prepare the dango."

Anko pulled out already made dango and set it onto a plate in front of her.

"But, you already made the dango."

"I still need to perform the Legendary Ritual of Dango Preparation in order to create the Legendary Dango of Manda's Recipe, idiot!"

Naruto scowled in anger. Behind him the door rocked slightly open and closed shut from the weight of their makeshift barricade. The mobs' muffled voices grew louder with each furious strike on the door.

"How long will that take?"

"8, 923 seals." She answered and carefully checked the dango and the ramen.

"…" Naruto deadpanned slumping his shoulders.

"I cannot be disturbed while doing this ritual." Anko breathed deeply and stretched out all kinks in her muscles.

"As I prepare perform the Legendary Ritual of Dango Preparation, I need full concentration with the help of the Legendary Song of Ritual Concentration."

Anko set out a large stereo she had somehow hidden on her tight mesh body suit. She place an Album labeled: "Greatest Legendary Songs Volume 2: Now That's A Legendary Song!" Anko breathed out slowly as the song began playing. She started the seals as the lyrics kicked in following a percussion of simple, hypnotizing beats.

**Bum da da bum da da bum da da bum!**

_"My milkshake brings all the boys the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours."_

Naruto stared in utter fascination as Anko blurred through series of impossible to catch seals while gyrating in a provocative manner to the equally provocative Legendary Song of Ritual Concentration.

_"Damn right, it's better than yours. I can teach you but I have to charge."_

Half the barricades on the door flew open as the combined strength of the ramen junkies began to break through.

"Naruto!" Anko yelled as she performed another hundred seals. "You're going to have to stop them until I can finish the ritual."

_"I know you want it. The thing makes me, what the guys go crazy for!" _

"RAMEN!" The gathering crowd cried in unison tearing through the last of the barricade.

_"They lose their minds. The way I wind, I think its time."_

The crazed mob finally broke through. Naruto picked up a pipe wrench conveniently on the floor in front of him. The villagers stopped as if remembering something about Naruto. He was the ramen provider. They must get ramen. Naruto, on the other hand, was in turmoil. To save the very people he wanted to serve as Hokage, he would have to beat them down. The stereo continued to blast the Legendary Song.

_"La la la la la, warm it up! La la la la la, the boys go crazy."_

"Naruto! Do something!" Anko said sweating profusely as she hit five hundred seals.

Naruto trembled as he held the pipe wrench. He could do this. He could! Iruka groaned as he limped at Naruto with madness in his eyes.

"IRUKA SENSEI! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Naruto cried out as he swung the pipe wrench.

**SMACK!**

Iruka fell unconscious to the floor.

"SAKURA! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!" Naruto yelled at the crazed pink haired girl and swung again.

**CRUNCH!**

Sakura fell to the ground in a heap.

"KONOHAMARU? YOU TOO?" Naruto sobbed and struck again.

**CRACK!**

The little kid bounced lightly as he lost consciousness.

"N-naruto," Hinata asked in the middle of the mob confused and unaffected by the ramen. "What's going on?"

"OH HINATA! I'M SO SORRY!"

**CLANG!**

Hinata fell unconscious to the floor.

As Naruto cleared out throngs of villagers with mighty swings of his trusty pipe wrench, Anko continued to finish off her ridiculously tedious task with near inhuman efficiency. An hour later, Anko was down to the few hundred seals doing each of them very slowly with cramping hands. Naruto had barely enough energy to stand. Outside the door, an enormous pile of bludgeoned villagers, ninja, and visitors attested to Naruto's dedication to helping Konoha by bashing its people with a pipe wrench. Even the song seemed to be tired.

"FINISHED!" Anko cried in victory as she finished the last seal.

Lightning descended from the heavens, bore a hole through Naruto's roof, and struck the dango head on. The dango crackled with electricity turning into a brilliant yellow of flaring super dango power. The Legendary Dango of Manda's Recipe had been created. Quickly snatching up the plate, Anko dumped it into the vat of ramen.

"Alright! Now tell everyone to eat up!"

The mindless mob of ramen lovers slowly entered the room and began methodically eating ramen from the vat. Anko and Naruto sighed in relief as the madness left the eyes of those who ate the ramen. A few hours later, the entire village of Konoha had tasted the brew and awoken from their insane ramen addiction. The majority of them blinked and wondering what happened.

"Ah," Naruto said. "I always love a cliché happy ending!"

"Let's go inform the Hokage, Operation Dango is Better, is a success!"

"Dango is not better!" Naruto shouted back.

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

The banter between Anko and Naruto continued even as they leapt from rooftop to rooftop back to the Hokage's Monument. The many throngs of civilians continued to shamble around in a daze wondering where were they and what was happening. They filed out onto the streets and headed home attempting to ignore what happened.

"Hey, suddenly I want some dango," One woman announced.

"Yea, dango sounds good."

"Yes," they all replied in unison.

"Dango."

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**Author's Notes: **While looking through this, I realized I had used the phrase "crappy dwelling." Now I thought it was a horrible phrase that everyone would hate but then I realized that it was indeed a horrible phrase that everyone would hate. So I decided to keep it. I think of it as a little back up just to be prepared for any future possibility that I might hate you. So if I ever do hate you, take that!

You know, I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this. So I've decided to use this space to just sit and talk. Does anyone eat ramen with milk? I did once. It's alright actually, but I usually drench the ramen with hot sauce. It is delicious going down and satanic fire coming out. I don't really drink milk, so I had the strange combination of needing to crap and crapping fire each time I do. It's like a fire jutsu on the other end.

As usual, if anyone wants to see the status of the stories I am writing, please visit my profile. I will consistently update the thing to show you what I am doing at the moment. I also have extras there like fun filled conversations, possibly self-degrading social rants, or maybe a free toy with every visit.

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Another Disclaimer: My Milkshake is a song by Kelis. I do not own it.


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